I’m not ashamed to say that I identify as a Switch. I don’t quite understand the negativity associated with being a Switch. Just because a person can embody both roles, does not mean that we are “confused” or “greedy”. It means that I’m a very strong person who knows exactly what I want from BDSM and goes to get it. Whether that means being Dominant one moment or a submissive.
My Domme side:
“You like this. Don’t you? Such a filthy perv looking at this picture. I should handcuff you to the bed and ride your face like the filthy, fucking perv you are.”
My submissive side:
“Yes Sir. I belong only to you and in every which way.”
Though I no longer have a mentor (the mentorship was on and then off, but is now off for good) in the BDSM world, I’m not going to let this stop me from exploring my kinks and learning all I can learn about this culture and myself. I’m no longer going to let my past dictate my life currently, and in the future.
I have my whole life in front of me to try and explore new things. Pole dancing. I’ve always wanted to try it! But my social anxiety and body issues always got in the way of this. No more. This December I will be booking a class in my town to learn how to pole dance for fitness. And belly dancing? Well this woman is going to have her butt in that class as well. Yes I’m plus-size, yes my stomach has stretch marks, but that doesn’t have to mean I can’t explore and try new things. If these classes are going to help my self-esteem and help me feel sexy then hell yes I’m going to be taking them!
The fierce and strong Goddess inside me is buried somewhere. Begging to be unleashed, begging to be tamed, loved, and punished by my Dom, whoever he will be. Who am I to not let her out?
I’m not happy. I’ve come to that conclusion tonight. I thought I was doing okay for a while. I finally decided what I wanted to do in my life, career wise. I discovered new things about myself, like my sexual kinks and that I enjoy wine and reading sappy romance novels. That I enjoy writing and expressing my thoughts on my blog and on paper. But it feels like it’s not enough. It feels like I’m just surviving. Not living my life.
I sometimes wonder if there is more to life. It’s such a depressing thought that for the rest of my life I will be working to make money and I will die. Maybe I will be lucky and have a husband and children in the equation. But that’s it? I will get my degree, work, marry, maybe have children, retire, and die. It’s bleak outlook to have on life, but I just can’t believe that, that’s what my life will be like. Isn’t there more? Don’t get me wrong, I’m very blessed to even be alive and I cherish it. Every morning I wake up, I know someone did not get to have that pleasure and that makes me appreciate my life so much more. Because I hold this dear to my heart, my life, I want to make it the most worth while. But I don’t know how to. I’m worried every day that I don’t find the answer to this, I’m wasting the opportunity to make my life worthwhile. And this fear scares me.
I think I’m broken inside. And I don’t know how to fix myself. Or if I will ever be healed.
One of the perks (heavy on sarcasm) of having GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), is my constant irrational worries of…well a lot of things. I worry that I’m bothering people or burdening them when I ask for help. I worry that I will never have the pleasure of falling in love, because what man is ever going to want to be with me because of my sexual and body issues? How is any man going to be patient with me with physical intimacy when he could just leave and find someone who doesn’t have intimacy issues?
That I shouldn’t have children one day, because how can I be a loving mom and hug and kiss them when I struggle even hugging and kissing a family member on the cheek? How can I be a successful therapist and effectively help someone, when I have my own deep-seated issues I’m trying to get a handle on?
Dating wise is a struggle. I constantly worry that I’m texting or calling too much. That I’m too clingy because I want to spend time with them quite a lot. That I’m weird because I like to hear their voice before I fall asleep because it makes me feel safe. I like older men because of their maturity and how they are more accomplished in life. And I worry I will be taken advantage of if I ever date an older man, because I’m young and inexperienced in life and don’t have much dating experience.
I don’t know how much of these things I should actually be genuinely concerned about. Maybe none of them. All I know is that my worries and fears drain me by the end of the day.
One of my personal goals I want to work on is being comfortable in my body. It may seem easy to some people to be able to walk around their home naked, but for me it is tremendously uncomfortable. Read my, “Why Holidays are Hard for Me. *Trigger Warning*” post to understand why it’s hard for me to be comfortable in my body.
The only way I can overcome these issues I face today that stem from childhood sexual abuse, is to confront it. I decided that I would spend 30 minutes fully naked in my apartment. I’m ashamed to say that I got to 10 minutes and I couldn’t do it anymore. I immediately felt embarrassed and guilty from my failure. So I decided to make up for it by doing a mini photo shoot. This also makes me uncomfortable since I struggle deeply with body acceptance. I have my good and bad days. Some days I feel sexy and like a goddess. Other days I feel like I’am an ugly duckling. I’m proud to say that I was able to push past my insecurities and took a couple of pictures. Here are a few out of many lol, that I’m sharing with you all. I’m so happy that I made a small step into the right direction of one day fully accepting my flaws and attributes. 🙂
Since I was little. I’ve always disliked my skin color. I hated that I was this, what I considered at the time of a child, this yucky brown color. I hated that I stood out in my mostly predominate Caucasian classes growing up when we took classroom pictures. When I would look at fashion magazines, I saw these gorgeous women with long legs for days, flat stomach, and lighter skin. I envied them. I loved their cute button nose and long straight hair. I didn’t understand why I had to be born with a wide nose, or why my hair would shrink up when wet and why it look two hours to blow dry the kinks out of my hair. Why I didn’t have a flat stomach.
Sadly it took me to my college years, which is currently where I’m in my life right now, to realize that I love, accept, and appreciate my skin color. There was nothing wrong with being African-American. There was nothing wrong with my kinky hair. There was nothing wrong with my nose. Or the fact that I’m plus size and curvy. I should be proud and honored of my heritage. I didn’t need to get a nose job,that I originally wanted to get done sometime in my late 20’s. I didn’t need to bleach my skin or go to the hair salon every two weeks to get my hair straightened. I could wear my hair naturally and be confident walking in public with my kinky and curly hair. I’m a beautiful and sexy African-American woman. Anyone that doesn’t agree can kiss my gorgeous black ass, hehe.
Unfortunately my Mentorship with a Dom has come to an end. Though it lasted for a very short amount of time, I can definitely say I learned some things. Like what I want and don’t want in a Mentor if I decide to try again with a Dom. I also learned how I could be a better student. I think what went wrong, is that we weren’t compatible and the constant miscommunication. Also, some of my needs were not being met. I will say he did do a terrific job of answering all of my silly questions, lol!
I think when you know you are not compatible with someone, it’s best to just cut the strings and not prolong it. I respect him and wish him nothing but the best. But life has pulled me into another direction and I need to listen to it. Will I decide to do another Mentorship with a Dom? I’m not quite sure. I know for sure I don’t want to let this unfavorable outcome stop me from continuing my journey and growth on this journey. 🙂 Who knows, maybe next time I will explore my Domme side and be Mentored by a Domme or Dominatrix, hehe.