Submissive incongruency 

Came across this blogger and this post. I agree 100%, and thought it would be a good idea to share this with my Lovelies :).

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I have mentioned my tendencies toward very assertive behavior in previous posts. I have a management position in my male dominated company, and I often find myself in positions of advocacy for not only my department, but for women in general. There is little doubt among my peers that I am a dominant person. I will absolutely go where angels fear to tread. I’m plain spoken and unambiguous. I got an award last year from my boss for writing a nice email. Yes. An award for not ripping another chauvinist asshole a new one because he dared to try to assert that he was not caught in a lie and fraud on a federal grant application, but that I was not qualified to know his “insider” information. Too bad for this moron, I knew the boss of that state agency personally. When I’m done with stupidity, I’m out for blood.

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Change Is Good.

I will be throwing all of myself into my blog, mainly to focus on things that make me happy as I start my journey towards healing, but also because I have many ideas on how I want to grow and evolve my platform on here.

  • One idea involves regularly scheduled erotic audios (they are so fun to make)! What kinds of erotic audios? I’m thinking Dom/sub and Miss/sub context, DD/lg, 1 to 100, countdown audio, vanilla context…
  • Regularly scheduled pillow talk audios. Topics? Unsure of yet.
  • More posts focusing on BDSM and my experiences so far.
  • Potentially doing something with reviewing sex toys.
  • Reviewing books on BDSM and erotica.

These are some ideas I have so far, if you have any suggestions on ideas I have not brought up, please feel more then welcome to leave a comment :). Or, if you have any ideas on topics I could talk about on my pillow talk audios, sex toys to review, books I should read and do a review on, ideas on what kinds of erotic audios I should do…let me know Lovelies!

-Falyn

Tired.

Day 2…once again woke up from a dream with HIM. From here on, I’m going to refer to my abuser as HIM. I wake up from my dreams feeling violated all over again. Feeling dirty. Part of me doesn’t want to write these kind of things on my blog. For various reasons. Because I’m embarrassed of my past, because of being judged negatively by my followers, because I want to maintain this image that I’m an unflawed Siren. This perfect person who loves BDSM, who loves being kinky, who has nipple piercings, and other genital piercings, who says, “Fuck it” to the world when I feel insecure about my body and the clothes I wear…but I can’t be only all of this. I’m flawed. I do have unresolved trauma in my life, that I’m now starting therapy for. Thursday seems so far away. The days my therapy session will take place. I’m trying to mentally hold on, to ignore these negative feelings and thoughts I have immediately following my nightmares. I don’t want to go back to sleep again. I’m starting to be apprehensive of sleep itself. But I can’t avoid sleep. My body needs it.

So until I go to bed tonight, I’m going to stay busy by focusing on my school work, cleaning, blogging…anything to keep my mind off of the impending doom. I’m scared.

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Treat Yo Self.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day, and I wanted to complete my pampering of myself by doing something I have thought about for a long, long while now. A new piercing in an intimate place few know of or where…and oh boy, I do have to share how this all went down. More on this tomorrow 😜❤. 

“Shhh, it’s going to be okay”.

Woke up from a nightmare…I hate how my abuser invades my dreams…why can’t I just have a moment in peace where I’m a normal 21-year-old? Flirting with hot guys, exploring sexual acts for the first time instead of when I was 9 with the abuser. I don’t want to go back to sleep, I don’t want him to take me again like when I was a child…no one is here to protect me…to hold me when I cry out in my dreams…my first and only boyfriend thus far did…

I was laying in bed next to him, having a nightmare and I cried out in my dreams, he told me, “Shhh, it’s going to be okay”, and soothed me with his touch. It made me feel safe. So sometimes I would cry out even when I was not having a nightmare…just to hear him say, “Shhh, it’s going to be okay”. Does that make me pathetic? I don’t know…

No one tells me anymore that it’s going to be okay. All I have is me.

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“Damn You, Valentine’s Day!”

Valentine’s Day is around the corner…

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Me on everyday on this holiday:

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What I need instead of chocolate:

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What I really get:

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What would be nice to at least have:

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Or:

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But instead I have pampered myself by getting my nails and toes done at a nail salon, and having ice cream. Ice cream helps with anything :).

Do you guys have any fun or kinky Valentine’s Day or weekend plans?

To all of my single followers who too, dislike Valentine’s Day:

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On a serious note, I do not condone drinking for emotional numbness. But for this particular comedic relief, it applies :p.

-Falyn

The Paradox of Loving Myself.

I recently have started therapy, in hopes of starting my journey towards coping with my childhood sexual abuse. In previous posts on my blog I have written how it has negatively impacted my life, especially in the bedroom. The anxiety, the depression, the guilt when I masturbate, the flashbacks of the “event” when I’m intimate with another person all stems around Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I never considered this before until I met with my therapist for an intake session. I’m excited to start getting help, I’m excited to finally have some answers. I just want to be a healthy person. Mentally and physically.

Now how this relates to my BDSM lifestyle, some kinks I have like Daddy Dom/little girl and Adult Baby Diaper Lover could possibly have started because when I regress to a little head space, I feel safe and protected. Something I did not feel when the “event” happened. But if these kinks are in my life because they stem from what happened, does it make it inherently bad then? I brought up my kinks to my therapist, to be honest I brought up everything including BDSM and the roles I identify in BDSM. If I’m going to get help, my therapist needs to know these things that make up who I am.

Friday I went to go see Fifty Shades Darker, yes Christian is really creepy but there were some scenes that pulled on my heartstrings and make me think that I want to feel taken cared of. I want a Dom in my life, I want my Sir. There is a part of me that likes being in control, but that could be because of my past. And again, if being a Miss is because I like being in control because I wasn’t when I was being abused, does that make being a Miss inherently bad?

I’m mentally tired of making decisions, and transitioning into a submissive role would mentally do me good. I’m always thinking and worrying about everything. These past few weeks have been stressful with university and training for my new job…I just want to have some aspect of my life where I’m not thinking and making decisions. Where I’m complimented and encouraged to satisfy my Sir. I know these two sides of me don’t have to be mutually exclusive, but I feel like I have to either be a Miss or a submissive. I can’t be both at the same time in my life.

What do I do? I want to feel safe and protected and taken care of. Adored and worshiped. I want love, trust, honesty, communication, raw emotional and dirty sex, I want to feel like a Goddess, I want my Sir to not see me as his submissive but see me as his Queen who submits to him while he also submits to his Queen. I want to be fucked, used by my Sir in anyway he pleases. While yet I want to fuck my Sir and use him in anyway I please.

I want to be a Siren who seduces and lures men and women. Who basks in the love and affection I receive.

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