I recently have started therapy, in hopes of starting my journey towards coping with my childhood sexual abuse. In previous posts on my blog I have written how it has negatively impacted my life, especially in the bedroom. The anxiety, the depression, the guilt when I masturbate, the flashbacks of the “event” when I’m intimate with another person all stems around Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I never considered this before until I met with my therapist for an intake session. I’m excited to start getting help, I’m excited to finally have some answers. I just want to be a healthy person. Mentally and physically.
Now how this relates to my BDSM lifestyle, some kinks I have like Daddy Dom/little girl and Adult Baby Diaper Lover could possibly have started because when I regress to a little head space, I feel safe and protected. Something I did not feel when the “event” happened. But if these kinks are in my life because they stem from what happened, does it make it inherently bad then? I brought up my kinks to my therapist, to be honest I brought up everything including BDSM and the roles I identify in BDSM. If I’m going to get help, my therapist needs to know these things that make up who I am.
Friday I went to go see Fifty Shades Darker, yes Christian is really creepy but there were some scenes that pulled on my heartstrings and make me think that I want to feel taken cared of. I want a Dom in my life, I want my Sir. There is a part of me that likes being in control, but that could be because of my past. And again, if being a Miss is because I like being in control because I wasn’t when I was being abused, does that make being a Miss inherently bad?
I’m mentally tired of making decisions, and transitioning into a submissive role would mentally do me good. I’m always thinking and worrying about everything. These past few weeks have been stressful with university and training for my new job…I just want to have some aspect of my life where I’m not thinking and making decisions. Where I’m complimented and encouraged to satisfy my Sir. I know these two sides of me don’t have to be mutually exclusive, but I feel like I have to either be a Miss or a submissive. I can’t be both at the same time in my life.
What do I do? I want to feel safe and protected and taken care of. Adored and worshiped. I want love, trust, honesty, communication, raw emotional and dirty sex, I want to feel like a Goddess, I want my Sir to not see me as his submissive but see me as his Queen who submits to him while he also submits to his Queen. I want to be fucked, used by my Sir in anyway he pleases. While yet I want to fuck my Sir and use him in anyway I please.
I want to be a Siren who seduces and lures men and women. Who basks in the love and affection I receive.