Tonight, I had a revelation.
Growing up, I felt so incredibly sad that I won’t have the kind of parent that I saw other children have. The bonding activities parents typically do with their child, I will probably never experience, and that felt really shitty.
But, I see it as… my parent is who they are. I can’t change them, I can’t change the past and what happened to me. I can’t continue to look for the love that I wanted to have growing up.
I feel more sorry for my parent, that they had to experience so much evil in their childhood. I feel sorry that out of the two half-siblings I have, I will probably be the only one to take care of this parent when the time comes, due to the treatment they received in the past and somewhat in the present.
I think I have empathy for my parent instead of anger.
I think it’s easy to be angry.
But, that anger is gone.
I just feel empathy.
With regards to my childhood sexual abuser…
I feel nothing.
I don’t envy anymore, their ability to live what I see on the outside, a happy life after what they have done to me.
I don’t know if I will ever confront him.
I don’t even know if I want to.
I just want to live my life the way that makes me happy.
I don’t want to go around carrying this emotional weight with me the rest of my life.
I don’t want to live the way I feel right now, for the rest of my life.
Do I forgive these people? It’s not so simple. That is a complex answer. Part of me wants to say no, the other part wants to say, “Hell No!”.
I feel sorry that they had to end up being like that. That they couldn’t be the people, that brought good instead of bad into the world.
So whatever word that sums all of what I wrote, that is what I feel inside right now.