Revelation.

Tonight, I had a revelation.

Growing up, I felt so incredibly sad that I won’t have the kind of parent that I saw other children have. The bonding activities parents typically do with their child, I will probably never experience, and that felt really shitty.

But, I see it as… my parent is who they are. I can’t change them, I can’t change the past and what happened to me. I can’t continue to look for the love that I wanted to have growing up.

I can’t.

I feel more sorry for my parent, that they had to experience so much evil in their childhood. I feel sorry that out of the two half-siblings I have, I will probably be the only one to take care of this parent when the time comes, due to the treatment they received in the past and somewhat in the present.

I think I have empathy for my parent instead of anger.

I think it’s easy to be angry.

But, that anger is gone.

I just feel empathy.


With regards to my childhood sexual abuser…

I feel nothing.

I don’t envy anymore, their ability to live what I see on the outside, a happy life after what they have done to me.

I don’t know if I will ever confront him.

I don’t even know if I want to.

I just want to live my life the way that makes me happy.

I don’t want to go around carrying this emotional weight with me the rest of my life.

I’m tired.

I don’t want to live the way I feel right now, for the rest of my life.


Do I forgive these people? It’s not so simple. That is a complex answer. Part of me wants to say no, the other part wants to say, “Hell No!”.

I feel sorry that they had to end up being like that. That they couldn’t be the people, that brought good instead of bad into the world.

So whatever word that sums all of what I wrote, that is what I feel inside right now.

LAST CHANCE!!!

Friendly reminder, today is the last day to send in your questions! Everyone is welcomed to ask me questions, whether we have chatted before or not. 🙂

If you are not sure what this post is referring to, here is a recap from the previous post:

To celebrate the occasion (of having 101 beautiful people follow my blog) and to thank you for riding this crazy train with me, I thought it would be a lovely idea to do a Q&A audio.

NO Question IS OFF Limits! Doesn’t matter if it’s BDSM, kink, vanilla related, or downright filthy. You got a question? I will answer it.

You can ask me questions via leaving comments on this post or by sending an email to me at: lovelyaphrodite7@gmail.com

There will be no maximum amount of questions asked per person. *Cough cough* *Nudge nudge* If I were you, I would take advantage of this :). 

I will be taking in questions until Wednesday, May 31st 2017. At the end of that day, I will record an audio and post a link to it on my blog.

Come get to know me on a more intimate level if you dare.

IMG_1633 (2)

Q&A Audio Reminder!

images

Friendly reminder, there are only two days left to send in your questions! Everyone is welcomed to ask me questions, whether we have chatted before or not. 🙂

If you are not sure what this post is referring to, here is a recap from the previous post:

To celebrate the occasion (of having 101 beautiful people follow my blog) and to thank you for riding this crazy train with me, I thought it would be a lovely idea to do a Q&A audio.

NO Question IS OFF Limits! Doesn’t matter if it’s BDSM, kink, vanilla related, or downright filthy. You got a question? I will answer it.

You can ask me questions via leaving comments on this post or by sending an email to me at: lovelyaphrodite7@gmail.com

There will be no maximum amount of questions asked per person. *Cough cough* *Nudge nudge* If I were you, I would take advantage of this :). 

I will be taking in questions until Wednesday May 31st, 2017. At the end of that day, I will record an audio and post a link to it on my blog.

Come get to know me on a more intimate level if you dare.

FullSizeRender (4)
My gorgeous ass. I know you like it.

“I got 99 problems and a Q&A audio?”

99 followers! Woohoo! It feels like it was just yesterday where I was excited to have just 1 follower, hehe.

dance203.gif

To celebrate the occasion and to thank you for riding this crazy train with me, I thought it would be a lovely idea to do a Q&A audio.

NO Question IS OFF Limits! Doesn’t matter if it’s BDSM, kink, vanilla related, or downright filthy. You got a question? I will answer it.

You can ask me questions via leaving comments on this post or by sending an email to me at: lovelyaphrodite7@gmail.com

There will be no maximum amount of questions asked per person. *Cough cough* *Nudge nudge* If I were you, I would take advantage of this :). 

I will be taking in questions until Wednesday May 31st, 2017. At the end of that day, I will record an audio and post a link to it on my blog.

I will be posting reminders on my blog up until the deadline of the Q&A audio, May 31st.

Come get to know me on a more intimate level if you dare ;).

img_1379

Reborn.

I have recently printed off the paperwork for a name change in my county. I have decided on a name that I would like to change to, if I decide. Willow.

I feel a spiritual connection to the name. In different cultures, Willow has different meanings. Romani people believe that the willow tree, possesses the ability to heal the sick and elderly. In Greek literature, the willow is associated with Hecate (goddess of magic, the moon, witchcraft, etc.). In religions, including Wicca, the willow tree is associated with femininity, love, protection, healing, immortality (believed in Chinese culture) friendship, etc. In magic, the willow is used for intuition, knowledge, and nurturing.

I feel a strong connection to this name, and I have thought about this chose for a few weeks now, so it wouldn’t be impulsive.

And, I think I’m going to do it.

This is a chance for me to start over in my life. Continuing to work on my trauma, but to live a life that is fresh. This feels right to me. I don’t know how to explain, but it does.

spirituality.640x360.jpg

Dancing On My Own.

So, this woman has signed up for beginners belly dancing classes that will start in June.

giphy.gif

I think I have procrastinated long enough. I have been waiting to do this for a couple of years now. Twice a year I tell myself that I will do it, but I never do.

I’m challenging myself in the sense of, doing something out of my comfort zone. Which I think is a good thing to do, so you can learn and grow as a person. Plus, belly dancing is sexy and I imagine a lot more fun than walking on a treadmill for 30 minutes a day.

Also, I imagine myself dancing in front of my submissive in a seductive, entrancing way, hehe.

See below,

xoxo.

a3a92a8eeda29c50a901a5785944f797

giphy

tumblr_nm1us394wr1s65lsno1_500

giphy

I know, right? Hehe ;).

Religious Inquiry

questioning-god-athiest-agnostic-1940x900_35390I struggle with the idea of having free will. God wants us to think for ourselves, but we have to believe in God and follow his commandments in order to go to heaven. Well then what is the point of having free will, if I have to do those things? Why God, would you give me free will and a mind, if I must believe in you as my savior so I don’t go to hell?

This thought has been in my mind lately.

Wouldn’t it be better, that God allowed those who didn’t believe in him into heaven. Just because he loves us all and doesn’t want to see us hurt? I suppose not, because if you don’t believe him, your ass is going to hell.

I should be able to choose what I believe in, instead of worrying that I will end up in hell for not believing in him. That is almost like in a way keeping us restrained and docile, and he is the only one to set us free. But if we want to be set free, we have to believe in him.

I struggle with this. My idea of someone who is God, is someone who will still let us free, even though we don’t believe in him. Because he is selfless. He would still allow us into heaven, because he would hate to see us burning in hell. He gives us unconditional love. Not stipulations to his love.

Religion and being spiritual is what YOU want to make of it.

I don’t have to follow the belief systems that I was born into, that I didn’t choose.

If I want to combine religions into a new one, and follow that path, I should be able to.

If I want to believe in his commandments, because yes:

5. Honor your father and your mother

*There should be exceptions to the above, for example if they are abusive.

6. You shall not murder.

7. You shall not commit adultery.

8. You shall not steal.

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor,

10. You shall not covet.

Why can’t I follow those things in my life, and not believe in God because he tells me to, and still go to heaven because I’m a good person?

It just really bothers me.