Freeing Myself From Toxicity.

Recently I had to tell a, “friend”, that I did not feel comfortable being her bridesmaid in her wedding. As you can imagine, it’s awkward to do.

This person has been in my life since 8th grade. We were best friends up until sophomore, college year. We didn’t speak for a year, and since the U.S. presidential election she is back in my life.

It was around sophomore year where even though we were physically in each others presence, we were growing apart. We did not have much in common. I felt that I outgrew the friendship. I tried to salvage it, because I had this idea that true friends fight for each other. She started to lie to me multiple times to get out of hanging out with me, I took it personally and that led to a shitty summer where I felt incredibly lonely. I also lost another, long friendship.

I fell into a depression. I engaged in an unhealthy relationship with an older man I met online, who was a parent, divorced, and sober from past alcohol and drug abuse.

It just was a shitty summer.

I relied my happiness on these two friendships, and because of that when it ended, my happiness ended.

After that summer I got into a support group for women and relationships and I was doing good. Still struggling with social anxiety and feeling lonely, but I had a support group in my life.

Election night happened and one of my worst nightmares happened, Trump winning. This is when that former friend came back into my life.

I took things slow with her, because a lot of resentment had buildup, and I decided to let her back into my life again, and that this time I would create my own happiness.

I struggled during our new friendship, not with the happiness part (I learned my lesson) but with her in general. She was materialistic and at times negative and disrespectful to other people when things didn’t go her way. She felt entitled a lot of times. She didn’t want to try things that I had an interest in, the commonality was still not there. Conversation at times was superficial. I started to dislike her.

So here comes this bridesmaid thing, I was already apprehensive when she told me how, and she won’t admit this, egged her now fiance on. Kept insisting they should be engaged now, today. She would feel mad when people were not fawning over her engagement news. I personally think she was more enamored about the idea of being married.

So she asked me if I wanted to be her bridesmaid. I’m in her house, we are doing homework together, or trying to since we got to chatting about wedding dresses.

I said, yes. Because it’s rather difficult to say no when the person looks at you and asks. Instead of being happy to be someones bridesmaid, I felt the opposite.

Holy shit, what did I get myself into! I said yes to being someones bridesmaid that I don’t think I even like, I have to pay for my own dress to a wedding I don’t want to go to, there is NO open bar to help get me through that day…

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Fast forward some weeks later, I muster up the courage…and text her how I felt, lol. You know, it worked for me and I don’t think I owe her anything. So, fuck it.

I won’t be invited to the engagement party per her decision but I’m still invited to the wedding. Whether I go to the wedding or not, meh debatable.

It feels good to cut toxic, self-absorbed people out of my life.

Damn good indeed.

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11 thoughts on “Freeing Myself From Toxicity.

  1. WELL DONE YOU MISS – and i wouldnt go to the wedding unless You feel comfortable – or there are going to be friends there that You havnt seeen in a long time – better perhaps to go out to a nice lunch or have a picknick at home with a friend – most respectfully Yours alan ps if i lived closer i would come and share a bottle of champagne and some lovely food – and perhaps get to lick You alllllll over 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Setting your own boundaries and ridding your life of toxic people is great. Can’t own someone else’s emotional response to it. I’ve had to learn that more than once. True friends are worth waiting for. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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