Canto XX.

Note: Brownie points for those who know what the title references to. By the way, not going to lie, it freaks me the fuck out. 

If someone would have told me that I would be learning Tarot and using Oracle cards as a guidance tool…I would have thought they were out of their mind. I also would have said, “I’m not trying to go to hell.”

Meet my beauties:

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I have been thinking of doing an unboxing (technically not an unboxing since I have already opened these :p, but still it applies!) and showing the cards to those who may been interested in buying them for themselves. Youtube has been my best friend for all Tarot and Oracle card related information; and Amazon Prime. I freaking love Amazon Prime (no promotion). I could make a video, upload to Youtube and link it on my blog here. Of course my lovely face will not be involved (sad face), but at least you get to hear my, oh so adorable voice, hehe.

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Hopeless.

*Trigger warning- mentions suicide*

Yesterday was hard, very hard. I was sad the whole day, for various reasons. I was looking at celebrity news (guilty pleasure) and wishing my body looked like them. I wished that I was slim and had money to get a nose job and liposuction. I wished that I had a solid group of girlfriends. That I was less of an introvert and more outgoing. That I could find someone who wanted to be with me for my mind and not my body. That I could be okay with being spiritual, instead of always worrying that I will be going to hell. That we could have our loved ones on earth for longer. That I could stop seeking validation from others. That I wouldn’t feel disgusting in my body. That I wouldn’t hate my skin color. That I could stop worrying that my loved ones will get pulled over by police for something innocent, and shot at from a trigger happy cop. And to have said cop be acquitted.

Yesterday I thought about suicide three times. I thought that I could end it all and I wouldn’t have to worry about…everything anymore. I’m not a good person. I’m tired of thinking in my head, analyzing everything. I’m mentally tired.

I just crave for a physical connection. To be hold and saved from myself. To be told that everything is going to be okay, that I can just let go of this stress in my mind and body.

I just want to be free and happy.

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Belly dancing.

Tomorrow is the first day of belly dancing classes. I’m more excited than nervous. I have been mentally preparing myself to not feel self-conscious of my body. Belly dancing is beautiful and has no requirement to be a certain weight or skin color. I have been searching videos on Youtube, and the more videos I watch the more I want to learn the craft. Here are some of my favorites:

Her body is beautiful. I adore the thickness and curves: Diva Darina

Another video of her. I think I have a crush: Diva Darina Freestyle

Well known in the belly dance society:  Sadie

Also well know. Her isolations are perfection: Rachel Brice

The first video I watched years ago that piqued my interest in belly dancing: Irina Akulenko

 

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Another day! Another Adventure! 

Discovered a metaphysical shop in my town that I didn’t know was there. An older woman, let’s call her Patty, owns this shop. I walked in and noticed the shop was fairly small but not as packed with items as the other metaphysical shop I visited this year. No music was playing either. This shop didn’t have as many books as the other one which was a bit disappointing. Some of the books that were there were on crystal healing and learning Tarot. 

Patty was welcoming and inquired what I was looking for. I wasn’t quite sure what I was looking for. The meaning to life? But I suppose she wouldn’t have that answer, lol. Patty offers paranormal services such as Reiki readings, birth chart readings, Tarot readings, etc. 

For shits and giggles I went with the Tarot reading. I was led to this intimate, makeshift, dark area. Soothing music was playing but I couldn’t quite figure out if it were nature sounds or not. She lit a candle in front of me and placed it on a circular table that sat between us. She first tells me what my aura colors were; pink and green. I never asked her during that time what the colors symbolized, but I did look it up on Google later that evening. 

Here is what I found with pink auras: “Pink aura people are mentally free to explore new opportunities, concepts and realities. Their minds are functioning without any restriction.” “…pink individuals enjoy the soft, meditative music, candles, incense, meditation and rhythmic sounds of chants.” 

Here is what I found with green auras: “Represents balance, growth, change. Depicts a love of people, animals, [and] nature.” “…they will find their own spiritual path. Their love for knowledge will lead them to research many religions and deciding for themselves which is best. They mind find difficulty adhering to one religion though because of having their own ideas of what is truth.”


Patty had me shuffle a deck of cards, Rider-Waite in fact. They were worn and I enjoyed the feeling of shuffling them. I liked that they were used. I was to create 3 equal stacks, as accurate as possible. Afterwards I was to pick a stack, of which I did. 

I will fast forward the reading part, essentially I will be successful in my career, I will start off with not making enough money but will soon have a higher income. My father will give me advice that I may or may not take. I will be moving soon (true). I have sadness in my life (true) but I need to remember that it will get better; the glass is half full. I received the death card, but based off the other cards it is not the physical death aspect, but a sign of a change in my life. More money will come into my life (yippee!), and here is my favorite part. I will have two lovers that I will have to choose between.  


Man #1: will be younger then me.


Man #1 and 2: one man will be giving with his money.


Man #2: those in my life will tell me false information about him. I will have to trust my intuition if I believe them or not. If I do not choose him, I may regret this decision.

Man #1 and 2: one man will be a Capricorn or Aquarius. Patty recommends I go with the Capricorn because I will be more compatible with him. 

I’m on the fence if I believe the reading or not, but we shall see. One thing that was surprising, the last card she read to me was the strength card. Which depicts a maiden caressing a lion. The zodiac sign of the Leo is ruled by the strength card. The connection between the maiden and the lion is important because it shows that leo’s rules the heart. 


Patty said that the fact I received this card at the end, symbolizes that this stack of cards were meant for me. 

Wow. 

I wanted to think about what I was told and really soak it in. So I looked around the shop to relax my mind. I ended up buying a necklace that has the stone; Azurite-Malachite attached. When I was looking in the display case this piece called to me. 

Azurite is know as the, “Stone of Heaven”. It is used to “..soften cold intellectualism with love and compassion.” “…relieves stress and confusion, and alleviates worry, indecision, and thoughts that linger in the back of the consciousness.” 
Malachite is used to help open your third eye or psychic abilities. “It is a bridge between the intuitive and intellectual sides of ourselves.” “…heal heartache, enhance creativity, increase fertility, and protect the spirit.” 

It is gorgeous. 


I bought  some more trinkets, a drawing and signed limited edition of Hectate by Jessica Galbreth. I was lucky number 11 out of 75 drawings of this piece. I also bought a star and moon velvet bag to hold my Tarot cards.

In all, it was a good day. Patty made me laugh and even offered when I asked, to assist with reincarnation regression. Hypnosis that would help me to know what my past lives were.

We shall see if it happens.

Until next time lovelies…

Rumination.

For starters, this post may be all over the place. But honestly, that is just how my mind works, hehe.

I have been thinking…which is nothing new for me. About whether I want to remain a virgin until marriage or not. This has been a back and forth debate in my head ever since I became sexually active (on my own terms). I feel that I should have a plan. That I should figure this out before I enter a relationship. And, I’m leaning towards waiting until marriage.

I feel the reasoning is a mixture of things. My upbringing, the trauma, the fact that I have trouble enjoying penetration via toys due to the pain. With the past men who I was sexual with…I regretted it. The idea of having sex with various men throughout my life, makes me feel almost grossed out. But again, this is personally for me.

So, if I feel regret being sexually active, if I feel turned off by the idea of having multiple men and women being inside of me, I feel the appropriate conclusion is waiting until marriage. Which comes with it’s own difficulties.

How will this effect my lifestyle in BDSM? I tend to be sexual with my submissives, so does that mean I won’t be having submissives then? What is the likelihood a man would wait for me?

To be honest, I almost am afraid to even get married one day. It seems like a lot of people in my society are getting divorced. Which kind of makes me apprehensive. I understand and accept that there is no guarantee my future marriage will last. But, I just want one man to be intimate with me. This is ambitious to say, but I only want to be married once in my life.

I feel like this decision is right for me, saving myself for marriage. Which I hate saying that by the way. The word, “saving”, as if I’m tainted if I don’t, lol. So I will say waiting for marriage for sex, instead of the other phrase.


So, I like older men. If you couldn’t tell. There is something so attractive about a man who is mentally mature and experienced as a lover and has stability in life. Now, not all men are like this. Obviously. But I have encountered these kind of men, and I want that in my life. It’s not to say, I could never be with a man who was my age. Heavens no! But it feels as if I’m naturally more attracted to an established person in life. Who has wisdom and guidance. And that scares me. Because, I don’t want to get taken advantage of. Or, used as an ego booster because of my age.

I’m family oriented, and know that a May-December relationship would right off the bat, be not accepted. Because my family sees me as still a child. Which doesn’t help that I sleep with a stuffie, Tyrion. But put aside that point, because I’m family oriented, I wonder if I would leave a relationship if my family were against it. And I hope I wouldn’t. Because, live is so short and precious. I want to be loved. And if I meet a man, who respects my body and mind. Who supports my career, aspirations, and spirituality. Who pushes me to be a better person, I think that is a keeper.

With children…to be honest I think I would only enjoy the pregnancy part. I honestly think I would be freaking adorable pregnant lol, but I don’t think I want children.

Not every man is like this, but there are men who don’t want children. So I think with being with an older person, and I have an age gap preference that I will keep personal, I have a higher chance of not having to concern myself about the children aspect of the relationship. Which is not guaranteed of course.

I think as I grow more mature and more established as a person, I will be better equipped to handle this kind of relationship. I think at my age now, almost 22, I’m not mentally ready for something like this. And I’m proud of myself for being able to recognize this and knowing myself.

I’m excited at the thought of love, but I’m also excited of taking this time in my life beforehand, however long it will last, to love myself. To create my own happiness.

Belly dancing classes start in less than two weeks. I’m excited. I already bought two DVD’s to supplement my learning when I’m not in the studio. I started that yesterday and I already feel like a goddess. And a little bit sore, hehe. Which I love honestly because that means I’m working muscles that I haven’t before.

Tarot, I contacted an interfaith minister in my area who offers spirituality courses on Gods, Goddesses, intuition, divination, oneness, deities, etc. As well as Tarot for beginners. Nothing set in stone, but slowly getting to know her and see if there is a spiritual connection I feel with her.

So, good and wonderful things are happening for me. And there will be times, shitty things will happen in my life, but I hope my spirituality and self-care, will get me through those times.


Had to throw in some gifs. I would not consider Bettie Page a belly dancer at all, but she is so gorgeous that I had to throw her in here :).

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Bettie Page
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Not Bettie Page, but whoever this person is, her dancing is beautiful. 

“They’re Here.” Q&A Audio!

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Poltergeist reference. Brownie points if you got it, hehe.

Q&A has arrived! 1 hour long :). 20 questions turned into a 1 hour long audio. Why? I dunno, hehe :p. Sit back and let my soft voice relax you. Please excuse the occasional coughing, my throat gets dry from talking too long, dammit! Also, excuse my lack of knowledge of the English language when pronouncing words, I blame the lack of sleep, hehe.

Thank you all for participating and following my blog. I’m truly lucky to have the chance to build connections with all of you beautiful souls.

My audio, 18+only, NSFW:  Q&A-6/1/2017

BDSM checklist: Checklist

Questions Asked and Answered

What are your hard limits?

What are your soft limits?

Would you ever want to be a submissive?

What was your first BDSM Experience?

Could we ever meet in person?

Favorite author?

Favorite artist?

Favorite poet?

Favorite movie?

Favorite director?

Favorite sex worker? (porn actors/actresses included)

Thing you always wanted to try but haven’t?

Anal?

Sex in public?

How many orgasms have you had in a single night?

Do you have a favorite activity, ritual, or symbol for you that best embodies your vision and desire for control over a sub?

I just became aware of something that I haven’t tried before.  You may know from reading my blog that I enjoy having FBSM massages.  Something I haven’t tried is “Bondassage,” This is all about getting a sexual massage blindfolded with some light bondage.  I’d like to know how you would go about fulfilling this fantasy of mine.

I’d like to know what unexplored fantasy you might have.  Something you’ve thought about but for whatever reason you haven’t experienced it.  Tell me what you would have me do for you, nothing is off limits.

I’m a fan of rimming, both receiving and giving.  I’d like your thoughts on this too.

Finally tell me the wildest thing you’ve ever done, where you did it, who you were with and why this turned you on.

What has been your biggest hurdle when it comes to the lifestyle?

My question…what is the most humiliating sexual act you have engaged in? Details please.

Do you have a favorite activity, ritual, or symbol for you that best embodies your vision and desire for control over a sub?

What peaked your interest in the lifestyle, and what age was it when you were aware of your feelings.

What goals do you have when it comes to the lifestyle?

Are you active in the community if not why?