I have been reflecting since my post, because obviously I was angry and not my usual self. My anger seemed to be based off of loneliness and the lack of emotional and physical intimacy in my life. I never realized how much I need that human connection. I have been single for a few years now, having a short, 3-month blimp with someone who turned out to be an asshole, lol. But since then I haven’t connected with anyone on a level like that. It’s hard to see happy people around you who are in love, when you are not in their shoes and experiencing that.
I have been having internal conflicts on if I should date when I’m feeling lonely like this. Society tells us to not enter into a relationship when you are not “whole” as a person, in other words, not an established person. Or, don’t love yourself completely. Well, under these guidelines I will probably never be in a relationship because I’m never going to be whole. I’m always going to have trauma from my childhood effect me. Yes I’m working through it with a therapist, but even when I have fully processed it, it’s a part of me. It shaped who I am today.
I have been craving that emotional intimacy and a humans touch, that comfort, for a long time now. After seeking some guidance, my values are what makes me an established person. I don’t have my career together, because I’m still studying. I’m not financially where I want to be. But should these things stop me from connecting with others and possibly finding love? That question has been running through my mind constantly.
I also have been thinking on if my attraction to older men, is wrong? It’s not. It kind of comes back to society views where age gaps are seen in a negative limelight, and I have internalized that a bit. My attraction to older men stems from the characteristics that I want in a partner and the relationship itself. I want respect and support, I want maturity and effort, and someone to be established more than I am. Having their career together and financially stable. I want that. It’s not specifically about the age, but it’s how those characteristics I value seems to be found more in older men.
Being lonely and looking for love and companionship is not wrong. You can be in a healthy relationship even though you found it because you were lonely. And I accept this. Having my core values is what makes me an established person. Not my career or money.
I want to open myself to receiving love, and giving in return. In no way do I want to make a relationship my entire life, because that is unhealthy. A relationship adds on to your already unique and individualized journey, it doesn’t become your life.
With these ideologies I believe in, I can set myself up for success and enter a relationship with intentions that can result in a healthy relationship.
I’m excited and nervous, but I think those feelings are there when you want something to happen for yourself.