Self-Reflection.

I have been reflecting since my post, because obviously I was angry and not my usual self. My anger seemed to be based off of loneliness and the lack of emotional and physical intimacy in my life. I never realized how much I need that human connection. I have been single for a few years now, having a short, 3-month blimp with someone who turned out to be an asshole, lol. But since then I haven’t connected with anyone on a level like that. It’s hard to see happy people around you who are in love, when you are not in their shoes and experiencing that.

I have been having internal conflicts on if I should date when I’m feeling lonely like this. Society tells us to not enter into a relationship when you are not “whole” as a person, in other words, not an established person. Or, don’t love yourself completely. Well, under these guidelines I will probably never be in a relationship because I’m never going to be whole. I’m always going to have trauma from my childhood effect me. Yes I’m working through it with a therapist, but even when I have fully processed it, it’s a part of me. It shaped who I am today.

I have been craving that emotional intimacy and a humans touch, that comfort, for a long time now. After seeking some guidance, my values are what makes me an established person. I don’t have my career together, because I’m still studying. I’m not financially where I want to be. But should these things stop me from connecting with others and possibly finding love? That question has been running through my mind constantly.

I also have been thinking on if my attraction to older men, is wrong? It’s not. It kind of comes back to society views where age gaps are seen in a negative limelight, and I have internalized that a bit. My attraction to older men stems from the characteristics that I want in a partner and the relationship itself. I want respect and support, I want maturity and effort, and someone to be established more than I am. Having their career together and financially stable. I want that. It’s not specifically about the age, but it’s how those characteristics I value seems to be found more in older men.

Being lonely and looking for love and companionship is not wrong. You can be in a healthy relationship even though you found it because you were lonely. And I accept this. Having my core values is what makes me an established person. Not my career or money.

I want to open myself to receiving love, and giving in return. In no way do I want to make a relationship my entire life, because that is unhealthy. A relationship adds on to your already unique and individualized journey, it doesn’t become your life.

With these ideologies I believe in, I can set myself up for success and enter a relationship with intentions that can result in a healthy relationship.

I’m excited and nervous, but I think those feelings are there when you want something to happen for yourself.

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This quote resonates with me. I don’t believe in soulmates, but I think you don’t have to believe to understand on a deep, emotional level.

 

10 thoughts on “Self-Reflection.

    1. I have been craving that emotional connection, and also a physical touch for a long time to be honest. Why should I deny potential love? I have been though quite a lot and I’m doing good things for myself, I deserve love. To be loved.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. Hi Falyn.

    I think it is easy for people without damage to spout cliches about needing to be whole. That also goes for people who may have had damage but had an easy solution to find solace in.

    It is natural to seek connections and companionship. It is natural to seek gratification from someone you love.

    I think the key isn’t to try and set specific limits or goals about who you meet, but look at how they make you feel. If your life feels better with them in it, you have found someone that is right to be with.

    The times where you feel the most alone or the most incomplete compared to where you want to be are often the best times to find that person. You want someone who will be there through both the good and bad times.

    Take care. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had a hard time accepting that it’s natural to want to have someone to love in your life and to want emotional and/or physical intimacy. I had a hard time accepting that because I thought that made me weak or vulnerable. That I was not stronger than my need to have those things.

      I do agree about not limiting myself, honestly because there will be a very small chance someone will have each category I want in an ideal man. I think as long as they share the core values that I have and I’m attracted to them and I feel a connection or chemistry with them, I don’t care about the other boxes like does he have a college education, what kind of car does he drive, does he live in a townhouse, is he under this certain age, etc. Things that don’t have to be of substance in what I want with another person 😊.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. People try to spout cliches about not needing others. It is an empty line common in self-help books in an effort to reduce dependence and codependence. Seeking companionship and love is completely natural… or less people would do it. While protocols of relationships are heavily determined by society, our existence as social creatures is in our DNA. I know I have no desire to live a life alone. I’ve done it and would rather not do it.

        It is good that you are open to things. Love happens in a variety of times and in a variety of ways. I feel bad for people who cut themselves off from potential happiness for reasons that seem silly.

        Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I feel that if you enter a relationship knowing that you don’t want to be codependent, you have that awareness and can avoid that from happening. If you are naive to it, you might have trouble avoiding it. I think there is a difference between codependency and having a level on a spectrum of wanting to be taken cared of. For me, my level is on the higher side. I want my man to make most of the decisions and take the lead. I’m not someone who needs that equal “pants” in the relationship. Now that doesn’t mean I won’t have a voice. Trust me, I will have a voice. It just means I want to feel taken cared of. And it’s a spectrum. Someone people are less “needy” or more “needy”.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I agree. There’s nothing wrong with needing to feel loved. People who take it for granted are those who never had to doubt it or felt the pain of it being denied.

        My comments were mostly a commentary upon how people love to point those things out when they decide they are one of those that doesnt need other people.

        Take care.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I want to be a good girlfriend and maybe future wife to someone ❤️. I don’t want my partner to ever feel neglected or unloved or not appreciated or not heard. I want to make my partner feel wanted, supported, and respected. I don’t want to be like the other relationships I have seen growing up, unhealthy.

        Liked by 2 people

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