This blog has become depressing and filled with sadness. I keep telling myself that I will stop it. I will go back to exploring my kinky side and BDSM.
I don’t feel like I’m the same person this time last year. I feel aged and tired. Not physically, but mentally.
Randomly I wrote a list of reasons why I will never find love and attempted to share it with my therapist. Thankfully she stopped me before I began.
It amazes me that I spent time out of my day to write so much negativity. When I could have wrote positive things about myself.
I look at my list and I want to write more. Why? I don’t know, maybe pain and hurt is comfortable to me. It’s easy for me to feel hurt then to attempt to feel happiness.
- Sex scares me. Majority of the fear is from the physical pain. My mind has associated penetration with pain. I may have vaginisms. I also feel anxiety knowing that there is a chance I will imagine my abuser doing those acts instead of someone I feel comfortable being intimate with. He already invades my dreams, of course he would invade my mind in reality.
- I don’t know how to kiss at the age of 22. I have never been in a true relationship. I don’t count the 3 month stunt with the Tinder guy who turned out to be a cheater and a douchebag. French kissing gives me so much anxiety. How does a person French kiss?
- My body. Where do I begin? Stretch marks everywhere, size 11 feet, a wide back, lack of an ass, slowly having a double chin, a wide nose and only 1 freaking dimple when I smile, thunderthighs, lack of a thigh gap, cellulite, sensitive skin, discoloration from genetics, kinky hair that shrinks when wet.
- Social anxiety. Lost two good friends that I have known since junior high. Neglected potential friendships while I’m in college, because I naively thought that these girls were all I needed because the bond over the years has been groaning beautifully and stronger. That was a fucking lie. Don’t have any friends now really since it is hard for me to open up to people because I felt like I have never been normal as a child and now as an adult. I have always felt that I don’t fit in with others.
- I sabotage friendships and people who could have been a friend to me. I hurt inside; and when I see that they are not hurting but happy, it hurts me more. Which then makes me want to cause them to feel the hurt I feel.
- My “Miss” persona in BDSM is my mask when I feel hurt. It distracts people from seeing a broken soul underneath.
- I went against my values and signed up for a sugar baby/daddy website. I feel dirty and wrong inside, even though the only thing I did was sign up.
- I just want to be loved and hold and kissed. That someone will tell me that everything is going to be okay. To have someone look at me and know my emotions…to be connected and attuned to me in that way. I want someone to finally choose ME. Pick ME. I’m worth it aren’t I?