Hello 2am thoughts. 

This blog has become depressing and filled with sadness. I keep telling myself that I will stop it. I will go back to exploring my kinky side and BDSM.

 I don’t feel like I’m the same person this time last year. I feel aged and tired. Not physically, but mentally. 

Randomly I wrote a list of reasons why I will never find love and attempted to share it with my therapist. Thankfully she stopped me before I began. 

It amazes me that I spent time out of my day to write so much negativity. When I could have wrote positive things about myself. 

I look at my list and I want to write more. Why? I don’t know, maybe pain and hurt is comfortable to me. It’s easy for me to feel hurt then to attempt to feel happiness.

  1. Sex scares me. Majority of the fear is from the physical pain. My mind has associated penetration with pain. I may have vaginisms. I also feel anxiety knowing that there is a chance I will imagine my abuser doing those acts instead of someone I feel comfortable being intimate with. He already invades my dreams, of course he would invade my mind in reality.
  2. I don’t know how to kiss at the age of 22. I have never been in a true relationship. I don’t count the 3 month stunt with the Tinder guy who turned out to be a cheater and a douchebag. French kissing gives me so much anxiety. How does a person French kiss? 
  3. My body. Where do I begin? Stretch marks everywhere, size 11 feet, a wide back, lack of an ass, slowly having a double chin, a wide nose and only 1 freaking dimple when I smile, thunderthighs, lack of a thigh gap, cellulite, sensitive skin, discoloration from genetics, kinky hair that shrinks when wet. 
  4. Social anxiety. Lost two good friends that I have known since junior high. Neglected potential friendships while I’m in college, because I naively thought that these girls were all I needed because the bond over the years has been groaning beautifully and stronger. That was a fucking lie. Don’t have any friends now really since it is hard for me to open up to people because I felt like I have never been normal as a child and now as an adult. I have always felt that I don’t fit in with others. 
  5. I sabotage friendships and people who could have been a friend to me. I hurt inside; and when I see that they are not hurting but happy, it hurts me more. Which then makes me want to cause them to feel the hurt I feel. 
  6. My “Miss” persona in BDSM is my mask when I feel hurt. It distracts people from seeing a broken soul underneath.
  7. I went against my values and signed up for a sugar baby/daddy website. I feel dirty and wrong inside, even though the only thing I did was sign up. 
  8. I just want to be loved and hold and kissed. That someone will tell me that everything is going to be okay. To have someone look at me and know my emotions…to be connected and attuned to me in that way. I want someone to finally choose ME. Pick ME. I’m worth it aren’t I? 

    19 thoughts on “Hello 2am thoughts. 

    1. This sounds a lot like me when I was in my 20’s, I figured I’d die a never-been-kissed old maid. Perfectionist (like me) think if I’m good enough, perfect enough, I will be worthy of love, I will be valued as a human being. And that’s not really how friendship, positive relationships, work. I’ve never thought “I can’t like you today because you didn’t do this thing well enough,” about any person. Let people like you for you – your sense of humor, your interests, the things you do well, the things you struggle with. I know it’s hard to make friends because that means trusting people to be accepting of all of you and that can be very scary but you don’t have to do it all at once.

      Why don’t you start the process of changing? Change is scary, even positive change. What if it doesn’t work? What if it does, then what do I do? I make small amounts of progress then I begin to doubt myself. I don’t like being miserable but it’s familiar to me. Being happy on a regular basis is new uncharted territory for me, so it’s scary, what if I mess it up? what if I do it wrong? These questions aren’t really applicable because there isn’t a “right” way to do it and messing up (what does that even mean?) is part of the journey, the exploration.

      Be careful with affirmations like “today I will be happy”. If you don’t believe it you might end up feeling worse. Maybe try for “today I will be kind to myself” “today I will write down one thing I like about myself”.

      And kindness is a great strength, yes people should strive to have it but not everyone does and not everyone finds it easy to do.

      And you might think we are all just saying this stuff to be kind, and we are because we genuinely like you. You are kind, sweet, funny, cute, smart, you are so much more than you know. Give yourself time and patience. You are gonna have bad days, we all do, be kind to yourself, talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend. You wouldn’t tell a friend they were ugly or stupid or (insert negativity here), would you? So, please try to stop doing it to yourself. Sending you lots of love and virtual ((((hugs)))).

      Liked by 1 person

    2. Reading this, I hurt for you. I think a lot of us have some of the same ideas and feelings running through our heads at one time or another. It’s too easy to fill yourself up with all of these negative feelings and thoughts. Positive ones are harder to hold, heavier to balance, making us still feel like we’re not worthy. Like an imposter, faking it. It takes practice, patience, determination. Setting yourself up as a failure at love by the age of 22 is unfair. You’ve really only just begun, whether you believe it or not. You have time, time to rewrite your story, time to love yourself until you are ready to be loved and to be a friend. Start with yourself, be kind and loving, and the rest will follow. ❤️

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Thank you for your comment <3. I don't know truthfully where this feeling that I have to be perfect and at this accomplishment at this exact moment in my life…comes from? In my mind, everything has to be perfect. The way I articulate myself to others, the way I look and dress and walk…it's like my mind can't accept anything less. I feel crazy in my head, truthfully. It feels like a never ending circus. That I'm on a carousel going around and around and around. Like I can't escape my negative mindset. As if I'm drowning in this sadness. I want to free myself. I know some of the tools from my therapist and others on my blog on how to go about starting the process…but I don't. Why is that? I must enjoy this crazy world I live in inside my head. Because if I didn't enjoy…I would do something about it to leave. Right?

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    3. You are definitely worth it! Positivity feeds positivity. Begin each day with a strong simple positive thought: “Today, I will be happy” and keep to it. I will never know the fear and pain you suffered…but I have known my own fear and pain. We all have our own unique inhibitions, foibles, and scars (visible & hidden) but a simple daily affirmation to start the day can make a world of difference.

      Go get the Dr. Seuss book “Oh The Places You Will Go.” Read it daily as well. As cliche as it sounds, one day at a time…and if needed break it down to one hour at a time.

      Today, I will be….”

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Thank you for taking to time to comment :). Positive affirmations I hear are very helpful. I have a habit of doing something like that for a day, and then I feel silly and never repeat it again lol. Rather sad, really.

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        1. I appreciate the time you give me to write and comment to me. I don’t want you to feel like I’m a basket case and you feel pity for me. That you have to respond to these thoughts that run through my mind on a constant bases. I’m my own worst critic.

          Liked by 1 person

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