Recently I wrote a snippet on infatuation. That I was experiencing it with someone who is off limits. I feel like I’m in a better position, a better mindset to write about it. I haven’t felt that way in years. Probably since I was in grade school. I didn’t expect to have it happen to me again, honestly. It just sorta sneaked up on me.
He was someone that listened to me. Was engaging with me. Even though the conversations we have had were always platonic in nature, my mind was having a lot of inappropriate thoughts about him. Some sexual wise, but inappropriate in the sense that he was married with grown children. But I suppose in my mind that didn’t matter as much as it should have. For the first time in my life, I felt like someone was really seeing me. I felt that I was being heard, that someone was taking up interest in me. I have always been the one who has pursued a man or woman, who asked open-ended questions, who took the lead when really I wanted someone to do those things instead of me.
I liked the fact that he was older and from our conversations had some wisdom that came with age. I secretly looked forward to any interactions I had with him. I would get these tiny, small butterflies fluttering in my stomach. In the back of my mind I knew it was wrong to feel this way. He was married, and here I am creating opportunities to talk to him. Shamefully though, 98% percent of me didn’t want this happening, 2% of me did and wanted him and his wife to divorce. Of course what I’m experiencing physically and mentally goes against my values, I couldn’t help myself. I had thoughts of what it would be like to have him kiss me, I thought what it would be like to have him make love to me…
When I decided that enough was enough, I did my best to avoid him and keep our conversations short. Which was obvious to him I’m sure. It seemed like every time I tried to avoid him, an unseen force who was sadistic, would try to fight against that. As in, I would run into him even though I went out of my way to avoid him. When I walked to a different part of a building, there he is. It felt like I couldn’t get away from him.
I decided to talk to my therapist about all of this, because guilt was eating me up. I’m not a person who does the acts above when the recipient is married. My therapist shared with me a different mindset that I did not consider before. That I maybe did not like him specifically in that way because of who he is, but maybe instead the qualities he possessed. The qualities I want in a partner is what he had. And strangely, when I looked through this lens my therapist gave me, my infatuation slowly dissipated. My constant thoughts of him were getting lesser. I did not feel those butterflies anymore. I could walk past him and feel nothing.
I wonder for those who act upon this infatuation, what exactly is the defining moment that they cross that line in front of them. In no way would I judge someone who is in a relationship or marriage and decides to go down that road, because who knows maybe that could be me; but I have this curiosity of what makes someone cross that line outside of their relationship, either emotionally or physically.
I don’t know, maybe if I could find this answer, in future relationships I can on my end at least avoid it from happening.